"Nobody Loves Me, Nobody Cares." By Vantashia Belk June 20, 2016
As she laid there she thought, "Nobody loves me, nobody cares. I should just kill myself and end all the pain I feel. No one would even miss me or notice that I'm gone. This pain is too intense for me to bear any longer. I'm tired! God, I'm so tired. I'm just going to do it! Tonight is the night I'm going to kill myself and end it all!! It was 3:07am January 15, 2012 and she was in the bedroom of her apartment contemplating suicide. She was sitting on the floor with her back up against the left side of the bed holding a sharp small Wolf Gang Puck knife against her wrist ready to die. She had planned to cut so deep and hard to ensure a fast death because she simply wanted the pain to end in the quickest way possible.
In her mind, she wrote a goodbye note saying goodbye to her future self. "Dear Self, You may not ever know what is like to have real love, compassion, friendship or a real life. You may not ever know what is like to join a sorority, earn a degree or even hear people scream as you graduate at your many stages of life and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I am cutting and depriving you of the life that you deserve to have. I just can't take the pain that this present self can feel. This pain has me awake at night; unable to go to sleep because my heart is bleeding so badly. I feel trapped, insecure and unafraid. I'm sorry but we must part ways. I love you." With tears streaming down her face, her body begins to shudder uncontrollably. “I'm drowning in my own sea of pain and disappointment. The pain and the thoughts are all becoming too much!” She pressed the knife a harder into her wrist, pricking her skin enough to start a trickle of blood. She then started to forgive those who unknowingly and knowingly caused her pain or hurt her in life. "Daddy, I forgive you for not being there and for handling life the best way you saw fit. Growing up, I never understood why I had to be deprived of a father and felt as if I wasn't enough. However, as I got older I realized you had your life’s battles and I understand. I forgive you for the hurt, rejection and pain the lack of having you caused. I forgive you. Family, I forgive you for not being able to see me. Things were not always this way and my life was far from horrible but there was pain. Pain that you failed to recognize that was drowning me. Family "secrets" that ate me up on the inside, destroying my innocence that every girl is entitled too. I thank you for praying for me, protecting me and loving me the best way you knew how but I also forgive you. I forgive you for every time my pain was overlooked, laughed at, made fun of and downplayed. I forgive you for being so involved in ministry that you didn't notice me dying in front of you. I love you but I also forgive you. To my "friends", I forgive you for taking my friendship for granted. I forgive any and every one that has hurt me and caused me pain. God please forgive them and forgive me if I have inflicted pain on anyone.”
Now, by the time she finished this part of the letter her heart was beating so fast, she just knew she was going to pass out. That was the first time that she actually opened her heart and acknowledged how she truly felt. Normally she would sweep it under the rug, suppress the pain, fight back the tears and move on but NOT this night. She wanted God to come and save her and send an angel to let her know joy was coming. She often heard people say, "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning," but seldom do they give instructions on how to make it through the night. At this very moment, she was in a complete and utter stage of brokenness and only God could save her.
She picked the knife up off her wrist, raised her hand, and as she prepared to drive the knife deeper into her flesh, she heard,
Every day millions of women suffer in silence from depression, anxiety, low-self-esteem, and brokenness. They are lost and feel alone and as if no one understands or cares. They look like you, they look like me but no one can see the pain through her smile or hear their hearts crying out to be saved. They are our Mothers, Grandmothers, Sisters, Aunts, Nieces, Cousins, and Friends. This is why we do it 4 H.E.R. So she can have HOPE restored, be EMPOWERED, and be RENEWED.
We do it for you. We do it for me. We do it for H.E.R.